OnePoundAway

February 1, 2015
Just Like Everyone Else
I’m looking at the date, February 1. That number “1” makes it different. It makes it new. It embodies new hope. For those of us who spend too much time living in wait of someday, this number “1” represents the hope of something different. It’s the same hope that comes with every Monday. Because we usually begin our diets on Monday. We’re always waiting to start over.

So why am I always wanting to start over? And in this want, am I disqualifying all of my efforts to this point? If I’m always waiting and anticipating something new, I am surely disappointed in how it has been. I’m thinking wrong.

I’m sitting here contemplating this. I need a reconciliation. I need to be excited to take on exciting new habits without condemning myself for my past choices. I need to be accountable for the choices in my life that brought me to where I am. But at the same time I cannot beat myself up (which is really beating myself down) with guilt and shame over the choices that have brought me to where I am.

I cannot live a life of guilt and shame. It’s wrong thinking. I’m done allowing myself to believe I have been unworthy or by thinking that I will be more acceptable going forward if I make these changes. I must reconcile the whole me.

The whole me is a great person with flaws, just like everyone else. Just. Like. Everyone. Else.

Just. Like. Everyone. Else.

I’m pausing on this point. Just like everyone else.

My struggle is just different, but we all have struggles. We all carry burdens. We are all human. We all have flaws. I am not so different.

I may have just had a personal “duh” moment here. I’m just like everyone else. I wake up each day and I have decisions to make, challenges to overcome, just like everyone else.

I have faced challenges. My challenges haven’t been easy, but I’m sure there are others who have had worse. I know there are, some come to mind. Some have had far, far worse and more painful challenges.

The reality, my reality, is that I have a wonderful life and today I am going to enjoy it. I am going to appreciate my life, the loved ones that share in it, and I’m going to live in the moments of today knowing that I am not different, less worthy or less deserving than anyone else.

I am so thankful for who I am. I deserve to be well taken care of today.

January 31, 2015
Feeding My Spirit
Three days have passed since my last post. Two of the days were busy with appointments, commitments and necessary tasks. And those two days sandwiched a third, a day where I just felt defiant and I regressed almost to the point of hosting a pity party. I dug my feet in and was stubborn.

Fortunately, I have continued to eat healthy. But I am so much more than what I eat. My body, my being, my soul need so much more than food. Yes, I need nourishing food, I need lots of water, I need physical activity, but I also need to feed and nourish my spirit.

My faith has been my foundation and my salvation through every trial I have ever faced and overcome. I’ve noticed a strong parallel between the strength of my faith walk and the strength and success of my physical walk.

The last three days there was no time spent in my devotional, Scripture or deep prayer. It’s as though I set off on a journey without putting shoes on. I was ill prepared and certainly didn’t get far. I had no focused direction and I feel as though I was blown here and there by the winds of circumstance.

I also did not write. This blog / journey has become my daily affirmation, my own personal pep talk. Through this process I take an honest self inventory, I face my truths and I plan my attack. I have a goal of a healthier, vital life more fully lived. I have a path but I must deliberately walk towards this destination very deliberately each and every day. I don’t want to waste any more time. I am worthy of the effort.

So today, I have read my devotional, I have spent time in Holy Scripture and I have prayed. And I have had this little conversation / pep talk with myself.

My shoes are on!

January 27, 2015
Time to Set Course
I am one week into decisive living. Each and every day I have tried to make a distinct effort to live the best life I can live. I have made healthy choices concerning nutrition, I have been active when possible and I have done a tremendous amount of soul searching. I have found new hope and truly desire for more living in each of my todays.

I am also learning that I will need more aggressive action. As I sit here today, I am four pounds away from three hundred. Yes, this is an improved gap compared to last week, but I’m not blazing any trails here. And my body has already fought me in this battle. At one point during the week I was down six pounds, I was very excited, but then the following day three were back. It is a frustrating journey because I have been eating healthy and have not binged. The battle is real. The battle is important.

So how bad do I want to have a vital life with fewer physical limitations? How bad do I want this? How hard am I willing to work? What sacrifices am I willing to make?

To answer these questions there are other questions that come first.

Do I like myself? Do I love myself? Am I worthy of the effort?

Yes. Yes. And Yes.

A little self inventory is prudent. I do have obstacles to deal with, health challenges unrelated to obesity. I take some very necessary medications that, unfortunately, make weight loss a daunting task. This will no longer be my excuse to accept mediocre. I deserve more. I want more.

I’m going to use the next few days to really decide on a plan. A structured weight loss plan. Once I choose, I will then prepare to begin implementation. My destination is a vital life and it is time to set course and move towards the goal. I want more and I am willing to make the extra effort and sacrifice because I deserve it.

I am worthy.

January 26, 2015
Waiting for Someday
I haven’t always been obese. There was even a brief window in my twenties when I was at my ideal weight. But for most of my teen years and twenties I carried an extra twenty pounds with me.

Looking back, that excess baggage was a heavier burden than if I were to just carry a twenty pound weight around. I wore that weight in my mind, I saw it in the mirror and I looked for it in other people’s reactions to me. I defined myself by that extra weight. I wasn’t good enough because of that weight.

All of the shortcomings in my life were blamed on that extra twenty pounds. And I believed that if I could become thin, my life would be perfect and everything would fall into proper place. So I put many things on hold for the day I would be thin, my “Someday”.

Someday I would be thin and beautiful and everyone would like me. Someday I would be successful in my career, the right man would fall in love with me, friends would want to spend time with me, I would shop with ease in trendy clothing stores, my life would be perfect, Someday.

I often lived in the future, dreaming, anticipating and thinking about my Someday.

Here’s the thing, waiting for Someday made me miss many Todays. Too many. All because I believed that I wasn’t good enough as I was. I believed the lie.

During my brief window at my ideal weight, I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t any happier than I had been previously. I was surprised when I would go clothes shopping and have to go back to the rack for a smaller size because when I looked in the mirror, I still saw the chubby me. I still thought like the chubby me.

The twenty pounds found me again but it was okay. In the process I made peace with myself. I got to know myself a little bit better and I began to like myself for real and valid reasons. I became emotionally independent and strong. I liked myself and I believed in myself. I was in my mid twenties but I finally felt like a whole person.

And just as the story goes, when I no longer felt desperate to have a relationship to validate me, I found my Prince Charming. And he is still my Prince Charming today, but that is a different blog.

My life changed, my living arrangements changed, I was a wife and I became a mother. Adaptation brings stress and I was a stress eater who sought comfort in food. It didn’t happen overnight, but, as we’ve established, I am obese.

My weight has caused me to miss many Todays always waiting for that magic Someday when I will be better, which somehow always equates to thinner in my mind.

The reality is, my weight definitely affects the quality of my Todays, and it does limit me physically. However, the greater cost is when I allow it to steal the peace and joy I can find in the small victories that do occur when I deliberately choose to live each Today.

Today I will choose to eat healthy, move as much as I can and tell those who are important to me how much they mean to me and that I love them. That is an awesome Today!

January 24, 2015
Choosing My Truth
I am no longer a sufferer of circumstance. No more will I be blown by this wind or another. I am choosing my direction, my path, my goal, my reality, My Truth.

I have been looking in the wrong mirror for too long. My identity has been found reflected by outside influences and the image is warped.

Our society has created an accepted normal. We live in a very visual world, constantly bombarded by the latest, the greatest, the most beautiful, the most talented, the best athletes, the smartest and so on. This is what we reward and measure success and failure by. This will no longer be my mirror. This will no longer be my measuring stick. I will no longer believe the lie. I am choosing my truth.

What is my truth?

The truth is that I have been wondrously created by God. My body has served me well through more than a few decades. My heart beats a beautiful, steady and life affirming rhythm day and night. My lungs inhale and exhale, filling me with life. My senses help me navigate and appreciate my surroundings. My legs can still move me from here to there. My hands and fingers can touch, share, work, love and care. My mind is a fountain of creativity, imagination and problem solving. I am downright awesome!

Even greater, I am overflowing with love. I love my God, my family, my friends, my pets, my life and myself. My love has no limits or bounds and I choose to let it flow freely.

I have learned that love is so much more than an emotion. Love is a verb. It is something that you do. And even if you may not always feel it 100 percent, if you just go ahead and do it, your heart will catch up. I promise. Love triggers itself exponentially. Love is cool like that.

Today I choose to love myself! I choose to see myself as beautiful and worthy. I choose to take care of myself. I choose to eat nourishing food and participate in healthy activity. I choose to smile. I choose to believe that I am a positive influence and an important part of the lives of those I love. I choose to believe that my future is full of hope and promise. This is my awesome truth.

January 23, 2015
(Not) Living Obese

Living obese isn’t fully living. Obesity prevents me from an existence fully lived.

Physically, the restrictions that literally weigh my body down are most obvious. I have 130 extra pounds strapped onto my body. It is with me always, to be carried as a self inflicted burden. I feel it with every physical exertion I make.

I am able to walk, not as far as I like, or at a pace I would like, but I can walk. But there is a price to pay. Carrying this extra weight takes a toll on my feet, my knees, my back. My heart and lungs work extra hard to walk half of a mile. But to stop walking is to give up and I’m not ready to do that.

Unless you are or have been obese, you may not realize the stress of finding a seat. Will it be wide enough? Will it be strong enough? Can it hold my weight? And those are just logistics. What about the shame and embarrassment and fear you feel internally because you know that if the seat is too small or too weak you will only draw more unwanted attention to yourself. The fear and shame are real.

Even laying down to sleep, I feel the extra weight and at times it smothers me. There are times I will have to sit up and deliberately deep breathe just to catch my breath. My sleep is disturbed. And my body will ache as it tries to recover from a day spent with an extra 130 pounds packed on.

Tying my shoes is a challenge. Fortunately I’m still quite flexible and reaching my feet is not the issue for me. However, as I bend to my feet, all of the extra weight in my abdomen presses up into my diaphragm and lungs and it’s harder to breathe. If I can’t tie my shoes quickly I will get dizzy. Weather permitting, flip flops are my shoe of choice.

I think obesity is as emotionally handicapping as it is physically. Shame and insecurity are constant companions.

I always feel as though I need to compensate for my size. I don’t believe I am worthy and so others must feel the same way. I judge myself and thus feel judged. I hate to draw attention to myself and would like disappear, which really is like the old cartoon of the elephant hiding behind a tree. Some of these feelings are justified and some imagined, but they are all real in my mind.

Shopping is a futile exercise. It’s necessary but depressing and unfortunately requires more time in front of a full length mirror. It’s so depressing I don’t even want to write about it.

Eating brings shame and insecurity. What must others think watching me eat? It’s often easier to eat in private. Easier to binge in private as well.

And let’s not even talk about being photographed. It can be so humiliating. And there is no escape. Cameras are everywhere thanks to smart phones. And it’s horrifying when you know someone is faking a different shot when in reality they are taking a photo of your fatness.

It breaks my heart to think that my appearance might embarrass my husband or our children.

When the shame is overwhelming I don’t like myself.

My own personal conclusion is this. Obesity has robbed me of many experiences and fulfillment, but the greatest loss is self worth and self love. So I have reclaimed them.

I am worthy. I am vital. I love myself. And today I choose to put things in my body that it deserves. Healthy food that will make me feel nourished and physically satisfied. No more feeding emotions.

Here’s to dropping one more pound!

January 22, 2015
Who am I?
Who am I? This is a tricky question with potential pitfalls. I want to be careful in how I identify myself. How I choose to classify myself can put me upon a path and set a direction. I must choose carefully.

This is another reason for my anonymity. It is easy to fall into the roll of victim here. A victim of circumstance. I want no more excuses for where I am at. My choices brought me to this point in my life, and equally true, my choices will now direct my path going forward.

I choose to go forward very deliberately and with purpose, no longer succumbing to the winds and waves of an arbitrary mind set.

So, who am I?

I am a woman beyond child bearing age. I have given birth and raised children. I am in a healthy marriage of long duration. I am a woman of faith, specifically faith in Jesus Christ as Savior. I am a daughter, sister, wife and mother. These roles are important and I believe that I perform them well. It’s where it relates to me that I have dropped the ball.

So I am obese. I am obese by the choices I have made. On this point I want to be very decisive and deliberate. I may not have chosen the obstacles that led me to where I am, but, this is key for me, I made the choices in how I responded to the obstacles. I chose the food I ate, and I chose the quantities. I am obese because of my choices and reactions, not because of my obstacles. My obstacles are no longer a part of my identity.

This will be a daily choice, and at times an hourly, or by the minute choice. I am proud to say that yesterday I made excellent food choices. I chose food that is good and nourishing for my body.

My body is an amazing creation with tremendous potential. By giving it proper nutrition, rest, activity and consideration, it holds the promise of regained health and vitality. And I want to be vital. I want to live deliberately and on purpose.

Each and every day holds so much promise. And each and every day I am yet one pound away from becoming even healthier and more vital.

Here’s to a life with direction…

January 21, 2015

When you’re obese you don’t like to be naked.

I’ve looked at this word “naked” on my screen for quite a while now.

As I pondered the start of this blog / journal / journey, I made a decision to do it anonymously. I told myself that by presenting it without a face, it can reach more people, it’s more universal, it’s stripped away of my personal excuses and people can fill in their own blanks.

And each of these reasons are valid and with merit.

But, the naked truth is, I don’t want to tell people that I am one pound away from weighing 300 pounds. It’s the white elephant in the room really. It’s not like I can hide 300 pounds. Who am I fooling? Maybe myself?

How did I get here?

I have my choice of excuses: childhood, parents, insecurity, low self esteem, child birth, chronic illness, aging, slow metabolism and many more. I’m actually quite good at making excuses, even to myself.

But, the naked truth is, I put the food in my mouth. I put the weight on my body. No one forced me. I did it. I made those choices and I can’t deny them any longer or rationalize them away.

I am the reason I am one pound away from weighing 300 pounds.

And only I can change my reality going forward.

Here’s to the journey….