OnePoundAway

February 28, 2015
Exclamation Points!
Yesterday was the very best day I have had in quite some time! Everything is working together and I’m back to feeling very hopeful for my future. I’m so excited! (And now I hear The Pointer Sisters singing it in my head.)

My body is responding well to my course of eating and I’m feeling healthy and well nourished. It also appears to be thwarting some of my inflammation issues. I’m also getting some great activity and tracking it with my FitBit. All in all, it’s a great start!

I’m noticing as I write that it is an exclamation point kind of day! How cool is that? That will be one of my new goals, to have as many exclamation points in my life as possible!

The weather is starting to cooperate and March literally begins tomorrow!! Spring is my favorite season. It is so full of new life and it holds so much promise and so do I!

I’m ready to blossom!!

February 27, 2015
Investing In Myself
Well, it’s been a while. Which is probably an indicator as to how I have been doing.

So here is what I have been learning:
My metabolism truly is compromised.
As solid as it may be nutritionally, Dr. Phil’s 20/20 Diet isn’t working for me.
I cannot deny that I have some chronic illnesses that must be taken into consideration.
I still very easily fall back into old familiar patterns.

I truly gave Dr. Phil’s plan a very valiant effort but it just didn’t work and that became frustrating. I’m getting ready to transition to another plan but I’m going to give it some time to see how it works for me before I expand on it.

We had a pretty rough patch of weather. The cold temperatures caused a lot of stiffness and pain and I’m just waiting some of that out. Additionally, as a result of the weather, the routines of our family were thrown completely out of whack resulting in a lot of time spent together. The time we spent together was very nice, but it also meant that I did not have my usual quiet time for myself. So I lost the routine I was developing, devotional, Bible study, prayer and this accountability blog / journal.

I’ve also noticed that I must be very careful to decide which voices I listen to. These are all my own internal voices and some of them need to get the boot. It doesn’t take much to make me feel like a failure or a fraud and I am going to change this. I’m going to continue to remind myself of my value and worth.

I’m ready to invest in myself. I need to invest in myself. Time, effort, resources, I deserve it!

Here is the plan going forward:
Waking up earlier to have my quiet time regardless of other schedules.
Starting a new nutrition plan.
Continuing to increase physical activity.
Becoming selfish to meet my needs to improve my health and opinion of myself.
And good, bad or indifferent, to check in here each and every day to be accountable to myself.

February 12, 2015
Eating With Purpose
My eating has changed in more ways than the obvious. I am eating food that is nutritious and nourishing for my body and in proper portions. I am eating four times a day. But there is so much more to it.

I am present when I eat and I am very aware of what I am eating and how I eat.

I don’t know when it happened, or if I had always been like this, but I ate with very little thought to what I was doing. Sure, I could taste my food, and I thought I enjoyed it, but I ate my food so quickly and usually with distraction.

I never laid utensils down in the middle of a meal. If eating finger food I’m sure I kept it in my hands at all times. I took large bites and didn’t waste too much time chewing. I didn’t even maintain proper posture and I leaned into my plate. It’s as though I was in a silent race to consume as much food as possible in the shortest amount of time.

As I sit here and reflect upon this, I think about what food meant to me and how I used it. I’m an emotional eater and I have always used food to self medicate. I celebrated with it, but I also soothed myself with it and and comforted myself with it. It became very mindless.

If some deep place within myself thought that food could fix my brokenness, fill my emptiness, and heal the holes within my heart and soul, then it makes sense that I would subconsciously try to replace what was missing with food.

In this transformation that I am undertaking, I am becoming purposefully attentive and decisive about everything I do, my thoughts, my actions, the words I use, my choices in food and and how I eat my food.

I am eating every meal and snack seated at the table. I am eliminating all distractions, no television, computer or telephone. I sit down, I look at the food before me and pause. I pray and take the time to be thankful for this food and to ask for it to nourish and fuel my body. There is no hurry, no rush. I take small bites of food and take the time to really savor, chew and enjoy the taste and flavor. I set my utensil down as I chew. I pause and drink some water before resuming. I sit up tall and aware of my posture. It’s a long process.

Every meal takes a lot of thought and effort on my part. This is a completely new way for me to eat and think about my food. The first time, I was amazed at how long it took me to eat one egg with spinach and an apple. And I was satisfied, and proud of myself.

I know over time all of these very deliberate choices and methodical activities will become more natural for me. In the meantime I am learning so much more about myself and I’m finding more tools to use in my journey. I am taking control of my life. I am no longer just a passenger. I am becoming the pilot of my life.

February 11, 2015
Baby Steps
Currently, walking is the only physical activity I can consistently do without overly fatiguing myself. I use a FitBit to track my daily steps. In my current condition, 5,000 steps seems to be the magic number. I need to push myself to get there over the course of the day, but it doesn’t wipe me out that I have no energy left to begin the next day. My goal is to slowly add to this number each week as I become healthier, stronger and lose weight.

As I stated, I have to push myself throughout the day to get to this number. I am not yet to the point physically where I can just head out and rack up 5,000 steps in one jaunt. In this condition, in one big push, I can reach 2,000 steps in a single effort, but then I am out of breath and need to rest.

Yesterday was an especially cold day and I knew I was not going to get a 2,000 step push outside. But I also knew that I needed to get all of my steps in. This made me very aware of all of my movements.

Throughout the day I just kept stepping and moving. If I was waiting for something in the microwave, I circled the kitchen. At least once an hour I simply got up and walked throughout my house for a few minutes at a time. I developed a little figure eight pattern around some things and through a couple of rooms and off I went. I was very aware of my posture, I felt strong and I felt alive. And I amused the pets in the process.

It became a very productive day. The more I moved, the more I wanted to do, and I felt in control. It was awesome. And before the day was over, I had accumulated 6,700 steps. Yay for baby steps!

So I started thinking how all of these little steps add up. And not just my physical steps. Everything I am doing as I transform myself and my life, these are all steps, building blocks for future success.

Steps don’t just represent distance moved, steps are also the components of a staircase. All of my efforts, the nutritious eating plan, the consistent devotional and bible study time, my sincere prayer, and this blog, this exercise of getting to know and understand my self better, these are all steps, the stairs to my personal staircase. I am rising to new heights and standards. And I have some pretty lofty expectations.

I am excited for my adventure, my climb to a new and vital life. And it all starts with baby steps.

February 10, 2015
The Word is “Passive”
These past couple of weeks, as I have been determined to become healthier in every arena of my life, (physically, emotionally and spiritually) I kept describing myself as just going with the flow, following where life leads and at times buffeted by the winds and waves of life. I wasn’t exactly searching for a word or a term, but this morning it found me. During my time of study one word jumped right out at me, it waved, whistled and said this is you, you are passive.

Passive doesn’t normally strike me as a negative description. It is the opposite of aggressive, it’s easy to get along with, it doesn’t ruffle feathers, it isn’t demanding, it puts others needs before it’s own and it’s easily content in life.

Passive. I looked at the thesaurus and it’s also lifeless and inactive. Lifeless and inactive. Hmmmm.

In my experience, passive has become putting others needs before your own because you don’t feel worthy. Letting someone else make the decision because you feel inadequate. Doing what other people want because you want them to like you and otherwise, why would they? Not giving your real opinion because of insecurity. Second guessing yourself because it is always what you do. I could go on.

My passivity has completely undermined all attempts of being strong, with value, confident and prioritizing my own needs. I desire to be self confident but it’s a bluff as long as passivity is at my root.

So, what will I do about this?

I am going to work very deliberately to make sure that my words match my intent. I want my words to be direct and to the point. No more back door, accommodating others, asking permission to do what I believe to be valuable for myself.

But I also recognize that this is a reflection upon myself and not those who are in my life. I don’t live with oppressive people. I made the decision to be passive a very long time ago. I started denying myself and my needs a very long time ago. The people around me can’t read my mind, heck I’ve just recently started to figure out my own mind for myself.

If I stand up for myself I will be respected. And more importantly than being respected by those around me, I will respect myself. I like this. I’m getting stronger. I love myself, I’m full of hope and I’m excited.

Here’s to a life less passive.

February 9, 2015
Being Prepared
I think the Boy Scouts are on to something.

“Be Prepared… the meaning of the motto is that a scout must prepare himself by previous thinking out and practicing how to act on any accident or emergency so that he is never taken by surprise.” Robert Baden-Powell

These past couple of weeks have been a mental preparation for my journey to improved health and a vital life more fully lived. And that preparation has brought me to today, the launching pad for the next leg of my journey. Today I begin a formatted and planned effort of better nutrition and hopefully more significant weight loss, specifically the 20/20 Diet by Dr. Phil.

I have more confidence than I usually do when starting something new. I can only attribute this to my preparation.

Typically, I tend to be impulsive, and when I make a decision I just go with it and roll with the flow. Well in hindsight, the flow often bounces me around like a ship in a storm without an anchor. Sometimes I end up in a cool place, but sometimes I capsize and am just grateful to make it back to shore. This time I have charted my course and leave stocked up with all necessary supplies. And the weather looks good, I’m anticipating a much smoother sail.

Being prepared is also a mind set and a definite confidence booster. I feel so much more in control.

Ordinarily I would just react and make decisions as each situation, including meals, presents itself. By thinking forward and being prepared, I already know what I will be eating at each meal for the next five days. I’ve already done the shopping and have all of the necessary ingredients readily available. I am in control.

There are other little things that make a difference. Last night, right before bed, I made sure that my kitchen was clean and I started the dishwasher. When it was time to prepare my breakfast this morning everything was ready for me. There was no leftover task to delay me or cause me to deviate from my course.

I purposely set out to change my life. This requires forming new habits and finding new ways of doing things. The way I was doing things was okay, but far from effective for the life I want to live. These changes are starting to become habit, a new way of living. Each change brings greater hope and excitement.

As I stated earlier, these past few weeks have been a mental preparation for a different and more vital way of thinking and living. The past week I have been reading and studying the book outlining the 20/20 Diet. I’ve prepared for consistent and measurable activity with a FitBit and new athletic shoes. Yesterday, I prepared for five days of healthy and nutritious meals. And each morning I prepare for the day with my devotional, time in Scripture, prayer and writing this blog / journal.

Now this doesn’t mean that everything will go perfectly as planned or that there won’t be a storm. It does however mean that I will be far more prepared to face any obstacle and I am definitely more confident.

I’m going to channel my inner Boy Scout and remain prepared.

February 8, 2015
Investing In Myself
It’s time to put the pedal to the metal.

These past couple of weeks have been very eye opening for me. I’ve stumbled upon some revelations and truths about myself and it wasn’t as painful as I anticipated. I actually discovered many pleasing truths in the process. I’m getting to know a different part of myself and I like her, I’m proud of her and I’m really excited for what lies in her future. I feel good in my skin, I’m confident and strong.

I’m worthy. I’m worth investing in and it’s my turn.

I’m not abandoning my family but I’ve moved myself up in the pecking order. My needs have been prioritized and I’m commanding respect where I never did before. And my family is actually happy to oblige because they love me. I just never felt worthy or confident enough to ask until this time.

I’ve purchased a really good pair of athletic shoes. They support my feet well and are very comfortable. I have a FitBit to measure and track my steps.

After much deliberation and prayer I have settled upon a structured nutritional plan for improved health and weight loss, The 20/20 Diet by Dr. Phil. I’ve chosen this plan because I feel as though it is an approach that is very manageable long term and doable for a lifetime. I like the healthy foods in the plan and feel that it will allow me to nourish and improve my entire body. And as I was searching out a plan, it just seemed as though God kept bringing this one to the forefront. So I bought the book and have been preparing for implementation.

This morning I am currently six pounds away from 300 pounds and I’m ready to make that number grow as I make my body healthier and stronger.

It’s time to take care of myself and take charge. Physically, spiritually and emotionally. I’m so excited for the journey.

Here are my tools and plan for implementation. Today I will measure my arms, waist and thighs. I am going to make myself look as nice as possible and take a before picture. Each morning I will read my devotional and some Scripture, I will pray and I will write. Tomorrow I will begin the first five day phase of The 20/20 diet. My goal is to walk a minimum of 5000 steps per day and add to that as I can.

And I will live in each today. I will find something to smile about in each today. I will appreciate what I am able to do and I suspect that I may even surprise myself along the way. I’m so excited!

I’m investing in myself and I am so very worth it.

February 7, 2015
Self Knowledge
Yesterday was a great day. I had my little pep talk with myself and carried no guilt or shame from the day prior. I ate healthy with very little effort because my body wanted what was good for it. Because I was feeling great in all areas, physically, spiritually and emotionally, I was more active and productive. It all works together and with no forced effort or sacrifice I reclaimed two pounds. Victory.

So I have started my day with my devotional, Scripture reading and prayer, and now I begin to write. This blog / journal has become a necessity for me. I am not only finding my voice but a fountain of strength is bubbling up from within and spilling into every arena of my life. I am feeling so empowered.

I have always considered myself fairly intelligent and knowledgeable. And these past few weeks I have been specifically praying for and seeking wisdom. I’ve spent quite a bit of time reading the fourth proverb and praying for wisdom. In my study time this morning knowledge was really brought front and center. Specifically how we can miss out on blessings for a lack of knowledge.

I started pondering the concept of knowledge, really thinking about it. Knowledge is not as easily defined as one might think. And there are many layers to this idea that is knowledge.

Intellectually I feel fairly knowledgeable. I possess a solid base of general information, and more importantly, I know how to seek out and acquire knowledge. In this I mean, when faced with a problem or challenge, I can research, investigate, learn, interpret and formulate a plan.

Spiritually I have a strong knowledge of Who God is. I also understand and recognize that the more time I spend with Him, in His Word, and in prayer, the more He reveals to me and the stronger I become both in faith and in relationship with Him.

Nutritionally I have way more knowledge than anyone would guess by looking at me. Over the years I have accumulated information on every latest and greatest diet imaginable. I understand the concepts of calories, proteins, carbs, fats, ketosis, insulin resistance, antioxidants, thermogenic foods, exercise, hydration, and so on.

So why am I obese? Not just obese, morbidly obese?

There is an area of knowledge that I have neglected and even skewed. Self knowledge.

It’s easy to believe that 2+2=4, and gravity is a no brainer. If you mix blue with yellow it will become green. There are unlimited examples of proven knowledge and these are facts and they are easy to believe. My faith walk is also very strong and I have no doubt or hesitation about Who God is and what He does for me. So, for me, my faith is easy to believe.

But because of my insecurities I often have a hard time believing my own truths, or I buy into and believe the false truths about who I am, what I deserve or don’t deserve. My self knowledge is weak.

Through this blog / journal / journey I have been gaining a tremendous amount of self knowledge, maybe for the first time ever. And I am finding a whole lot to like and even be excited about. I am becoming very proud of who I am, what I can do and I am very hopeful and optimistic about what awaits me going forward.

I am living in my todays, finding triumphs and victories in the things that I can do, while planning and implementing for the future todays and all of my possibilities yet to come.

When I access and use my tools (devotional, Scripture, prayer, blog and healthy eating) I am strong and I feel good, really good, in every part of my life, physically, spiritually and emotionally. It forms a great foundation for my day, my today.

I am vital and I am worth it.

February 6, 2015
Nothing Happened
I made some poor choices yesterday. And I knew I was going to make them when my day began. I don’t even want to label it as a rebellion because a rebellion can be a positive thing at times. I made a very deliberate decision to be disobedient, disobedient to what I knew were good and healthy actions for my health. I was disobedient to myself.

I began the morning with my devotional but I didn’t put significant effort into it because I had already made my decision in my mind, and I wasn’t willing to surrender. I hadn’t written anything in a few days and I knew I needed to, but I didn’t want to be a fraud, so I chose not to.

My defiance was not a momentary slip in a time of weakness. It was a mind set, a conscious choice. There were several things I could have done to redirect myself before I even went astray. I have tools (this blog, prayer, bible study, friends, etc) to redirect myself, and most days I utilize them, but not yesterday. I chose deliberate disobedience.

Here’s the kicker, there was no pay off. I wasn’t celebrating anything, I wasn’t meeting a friend out to eat, it wasn’t for a decadent dessert or something well prepared. It was for some crappy, freezer burned, pre-made biscuits I found that had been forgotten in my freezer months ago. I had a few with butter and brown sugar, and later in the day I had a couple with butter and melted cheese. I didn’t savor them or even enjoy them. I was feeding a craving. I was abusing my body.

Fortunately, it didn’t take long for me to physically feel poorly for the choice. I got shaky and felt bloated and miserable. I ate some nuts and drank a lot of water to offset what I had done. And I got off the path to self destruction.

I got on the scale this morning and my defiance cost me one pound. But I must add some perspective here. What if I had made solid choices yesterday and also included some healthy activity? I could have lost a pound yesterday. So my deliberate act of disobedience actually cost me two pounds. I have to remind myself, it’s not just the weight I gain, it’s the weight I could have potentially lost. I wasted a day that could have been spent improving my health.

So what was my trigger? There was no fight with the spouse, rebellion by a child, an unpaid bill or even just general disappointment. Nothing happened.

Nothing happened. Nothing. Happened.

I had done nothing to have myself motivated and prepared for the day. Nothing happened.

When I started this blog / journey I knew that I was going to need to make very deliberate choices on my road to improved health and a more vital and fully lived life. Yesterday was not fully lived or vital. However, I’m not going to beat myself up for it. It is in the past and will not affect my today. But I can use it as a learning experience that will better prepare me for my tomorrows.

I have decisions to make every day. They are my own decisions and they set my course. I know which behaviors strengthen and prepare me for a good day. For me, that is my devotional, some time in Scripture, prayer and writing this blog / journal. Those are my tools. These behaviors set me up for success. But they must be practiced on a daily basis. It’s how my well is filled and replenished that I may drink from it throughout the day.

Without these choices and daily surrender, nothing will change and nothing will happen.

February 2, 2015
Finding My Balance
When we identify some of the characteristics of a good wife and mother, we often define her as selfless, sacrificing and putting the needs of her children and husband before her own. These attributes are often praised and admired by others. And to a certain point it is valid, sacrifices do need to be made, priorities shift and the mother / wife is responsible for the needs of others.

Now let’s place these expectations on a woman who already flirts with insecurity and, at times, questions her self worth. And let’s say that she gained some extra weight during pregnancy and all of the added pressure just triggered more stress eating, shame and bingeing. Then we would be talking about me.

I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was trying to adjust to all of these role transitions when I was just barely comfortable with who I was to that point. Instead of accepting myself as I was, I sub-consciously worked to find my self worth by taking care of everyone else. I was trying to earn my value by being a good mother and wife.

I was selfless. I sacrificed. I put everyone’s needs before my own. And I was proud of the mother and wife that I was. I felt validated. But as I demanded so little for myself and gave all of my effort for my family, I felt slighted. And then I felt justified in my hurt feelings because I gave so much without return. The pity parties were frequent.

This was another distorted mirror. My family had no idea I was lacking because I never let them know I needed anything back. It was just another cycle. I gave and sacrificed because it made me feel worthy and valid. But I really did need something in return, only I never told anyone or asked for what I needed.

What I missed for too many years, was that I really was loved for me, just for who I was. Everything I did was appreciated, but it wasn’t the reason I was loved.

I can tell myself that all of the sacrifice was done for my family, but the reality is, I did it for me. I did it because of how it made me feel. It made me feel needed, wanted, necessary and of value. But it also made me feel justified in holding on to hurt. And I held on to those hurts like a badge of honor. I had it all so backwards and it became a hamster wheel I just couldn’t or wouldn’t get off of.

So I’m not fully cured of my skewed thinking. But I am aware of my tendencies. I still do a lot for my family but I am trying very hard to find my balance. It really needs to be a daily decision because old patterns are easy to fall into.

Self love is a beautiful thing. Unconditional self love, because I am worthy, just as I am, is a great love.