February 2, 2015
Finding My Balance
When we identify some of the characteristics of a good wife and mother, we often define her as selfless, sacrificing and putting the needs of her children and husband before her own. These attributes are often praised and admired by others. And to a certain point it is valid, sacrifices do need to be made, priorities shift and the mother / wife is responsible for the needs of others.
Now let’s place these expectations on a woman who already flirts with insecurity and, at times, questions her self worth. And let’s say that she gained some extra weight during pregnancy and all of the added pressure just triggered more stress eating, shame and bingeing. Then we would be talking about me.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was trying to adjust to all of these role transitions when I was just barely comfortable with who I was to that point. Instead of accepting myself as I was, I sub-consciously worked to find my self worth by taking care of everyone else. I was trying to earn my value by being a good mother and wife.
I was selfless. I sacrificed. I put everyone’s needs before my own. And I was proud of the mother and wife that I was. I felt validated. But as I demanded so little for myself and gave all of my effort for my family, I felt slighted. And then I felt justified in my hurt feelings because I gave so much without return. The pity parties were frequent.
This was another distorted mirror. My family had no idea I was lacking because I never let them know I needed anything back. It was just another cycle. I gave and sacrificed because it made me feel worthy and valid. But I really did need something in return, only I never told anyone or asked for what I needed.
What I missed for too many years, was that I really was loved for me, just for who I was. Everything I did was appreciated, but it wasn’t the reason I was loved.
I can tell myself that all of the sacrifice was done for my family, but the reality is, I did it for me. I did it because of how it made me feel. It made me feel needed, wanted, necessary and of value. But it also made me feel justified in holding on to hurt. And I held on to those hurts like a badge of honor. I had it all so backwards and it became a hamster wheel I just couldn’t or wouldn’t get off of.
So I’m not fully cured of my skewed thinking. But I am aware of my tendencies. I still do a lot for my family but I am trying very hard to find my balance. It really needs to be a daily decision because old patterns are easy to fall into.
Self love is a beautiful thing. Unconditional self love, because I am worthy, just as I am, is a great love.
OnePoundAway 