(Not) Living Obese

January 23, 2015
(Not) Living Obese

Living obese isn’t fully living. Obesity prevents me from an existence fully lived.

Physically, the restrictions that literally weigh my body down are most obvious. I have 130 extra pounds strapped onto my body. It is with me always, to be carried as a self inflicted burden. I feel it with every physical exertion I make.

I am able to walk, not as far as I like, or at a pace I would like, but I can walk. But there is a price to pay. Carrying this extra weight takes a toll on my feet, my knees, my back. My heart and lungs work extra hard to walk half of a mile. But to stop walking is to give up and I’m not ready to do that.

Unless you are or have been obese, you may not realize the stress of finding a seat. Will it be wide enough? Will it be strong enough? Can it hold my weight? And those are just logistics. What about the shame and embarrassment and fear you feel internally because you know that if the seat is too small or too weak you will only draw more unwanted attention to yourself. The fear and shame are real.

Even laying down to sleep, I feel the extra weight and at times it smothers me. There are times I will have to sit up and deliberately deep breathe just to catch my breath. My sleep is disturbed. And my body will ache as it tries to recover from a day spent with an extra 130 pounds packed on.

Tying my shoes is a challenge. Fortunately I’m still quite flexible and reaching my feet is not the issue for me. However, as I bend to my feet, all of the extra weight in my abdomen presses up into my diaphragm and lungs and it’s harder to breathe. If I can’t tie my shoes quickly I will get dizzy. Weather permitting, flip flops are my shoe of choice.

I think obesity is as emotionally handicapping as it is physically. Shame and insecurity are constant companions.

I always feel as though I need to compensate for my size. I don’t believe I am worthy and so others must feel the same way. I judge myself and thus feel judged. I hate to draw attention to myself and would like disappear, which really is like the old cartoon of the elephant hiding behind a tree. Some of these feelings are justified and some imagined, but they are all real in my mind.

Shopping is a futile exercise. It’s necessary but depressing and unfortunately requires more time in front of a full length mirror. It’s so depressing I don’t even want to write about it.

Eating brings shame and insecurity. What must others think watching me eat? It’s often easier to eat in private. Easier to binge in private as well.

And let’s not even talk about being photographed. It can be so humiliating. And there is no escape. Cameras are everywhere thanks to smart phones. And it’s horrifying when you know someone is faking a different shot when in reality they are taking a photo of your fatness.

It breaks my heart to think that my appearance might embarrass my husband or our children.

When the shame is overwhelming I don’t like myself.

My own personal conclusion is this. Obesity has robbed me of many experiences and fulfillment, but the greatest loss is self worth and self love. So I have reclaimed them.

I am worthy. I am vital. I love myself. And today I choose to put things in my body that it deserves. Healthy food that will make me feel nourished and physically satisfied. No more feeding emotions.

Here’s to dropping one more pound!