Waiting for Someday

January 26, 2015
Waiting for Someday
I haven’t always been obese. There was even a brief window in my twenties when I was at my ideal weight. But for most of my teen years and twenties I carried an extra twenty pounds with me.

Looking back, that excess baggage was a heavier burden than if I were to just carry a twenty pound weight around. I wore that weight in my mind, I saw it in the mirror and I looked for it in other people’s reactions to me. I defined myself by that extra weight. I wasn’t good enough because of that weight.

All of the shortcomings in my life were blamed on that extra twenty pounds. And I believed that if I could become thin, my life would be perfect and everything would fall into proper place. So I put many things on hold for the day I would be thin, my “Someday”.

Someday I would be thin and beautiful and everyone would like me. Someday I would be successful in my career, the right man would fall in love with me, friends would want to spend time with me, I would shop with ease in trendy clothing stores, my life would be perfect, Someday.

I often lived in the future, dreaming, anticipating and thinking about my Someday.

Here’s the thing, waiting for Someday made me miss many Todays. Too many. All because I believed that I wasn’t good enough as I was. I believed the lie.

During my brief window at my ideal weight, I wasn’t unhappy, but I wasn’t any happier than I had been previously. I was surprised when I would go clothes shopping and have to go back to the rack for a smaller size because when I looked in the mirror, I still saw the chubby me. I still thought like the chubby me.

The twenty pounds found me again but it was okay. In the process I made peace with myself. I got to know myself a little bit better and I began to like myself for real and valid reasons. I became emotionally independent and strong. I liked myself and I believed in myself. I was in my mid twenties but I finally felt like a whole person.

And just as the story goes, when I no longer felt desperate to have a relationship to validate me, I found my Prince Charming. And he is still my Prince Charming today, but that is a different blog.

My life changed, my living arrangements changed, I was a wife and I became a mother. Adaptation brings stress and I was a stress eater who sought comfort in food. It didn’t happen overnight, but, as we’ve established, I am obese.

My weight has caused me to miss many Todays always waiting for that magic Someday when I will be better, which somehow always equates to thinner in my mind.

The reality is, my weight definitely affects the quality of my Todays, and it does limit me physically. However, the greater cost is when I allow it to steal the peace and joy I can find in the small victories that do occur when I deliberately choose to live each Today.

Today I will choose to eat healthy, move as much as I can and tell those who are important to me how much they mean to me and that I love them. That is an awesome Today!